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| I've gotten into this groove of questioning myself. What if, what did, how come, why not, and my mind comes to a slur. A perfect legato of multiple voices like polyphonic music swirling all at once in my mind. I don't mind questions, I govern myself by questions... questioning my actions so later I know I will not regret them. However, questions regarding my actions, regarding the ones I failed to make correct, the ones I already regret are the ones that I can't stand. I'm tired of being unsure about myself. I know the answer, I do, I really do, but... then I hit the same question every single time... Do I really? I know where it's from, it's from the despicable need to amount to some level of intelligence around others, some level that can tell them we're on the same playing field. I play the quiet observer, awkward to a great extent. What I seem to forget in that pinch of time though is if I don't try to answer at all... I'm just another strand of hay in a bushel, eyeing the shining needle in the middle. I'm ashamed of my cowardly mold. Unable to strike when I wish because I fear that my fangs have no poison to them like the other snakes around me. I am governed by my questions, my circulating thoughts, but the world itself is governed by animals. It's all for yourself, little care for those around you. Cruelty from indifference, cruelty from silence, where is the safe haven? No more though, I truly don't wish to do this anymore. "Clear and concise" just like my AP language teacher says, "full of confidence" like my piano teacher, and "speak the hell up" from myself. I can say it so easily here, I can pretend I have a perfect life if I wanted, I could even blog pretending I was a vampire, I can do anything I want on here. The sky is the limit! Unfortunately in real life, I'm in a small room with a low ceiling, I can reach up high trying to touch the sky, but I always fall short... the ceiling keeps me in check, just like my insecurity stifles my voice. I've heard someone say that a sure way to fix your insecurity is intelligence. I couldn't say it better myself. I am lacking enough intelligence to be sure of myself. I am in need of enlightenment! So for everyone else that also suffers from their own disgustingly pitiful voice questioning their every move... Reach for intelligence and you'll reach the stars. | | |
| There's always times were you look down on yourself and question your worth. No matter if from a sudden self esteem crash or a quick revelation, it makes you think... what about you is so outstanding? I recently had one of those moments as I talked to my friend. Our conversation was of little depth yet made me think long after it ended. The discussion was short and ended on a negative, a complete dead end. A grand talent, something commendable... are we just people who simply lack it? So as I pondered that I began to get incredibly tired of being negative. Therefore, I began using a side of my mind that I have been suffocating for a little too long, my idealistic hope. Here's the deal, there are always going to be people that are better at something than you. You may be "the shit," but trust me... somewhere out there... you might be "the shit" in a different sort of way. It's your perspective and what you define as commendable. Is socializing and being a great friend called commendable or is a straight 4.0 or even a brillant musical talent worthy of applause? Maybe you can burp the alphabet or fart 500 times in a row, is that considered an outstanding talent? Just how contorted can your life become once your mentality shifts? It's not that you don't have any outstanding talents, it's just that you refuse to see it. Blinded by your definition of what success, happiness, and brillance is... you fail to see your own qualities that define who you are. Fine, you may not be the smartest person on Earth, you may not be the fastest runner,hell, you might not even be the best reader, but you do have one outstanding quality. Despite how corny it may come across... you're the best at being you. You're the best at what you do because no one else can do it just like you. Not too comforting? It's not your choice. Just as it's not your choice to be the person you are underneath all your masks of emotion and costumes of decisions, you can't control it. You're you no matter who or what else you want to be. So what makes a person admirable? Above all else.. it's loving themselves. | | |
| :| School makes kids busy. Eeeek. I keep making deals with myself to sleep earlier, which is quite possibly a very amusing joke that only I get and seem to retell myself every night. I'm currently wondering just how my brother accomplished all the calc classes to calc 4. I really don't know how he did it. I'm only on calc 1 and I feel like road kill, I can't even imagine 4 at my pitiful state. Alrighty, I'll stop the tears now, the man playing the violin has now retired as well. To be honest... I don't want to blog about academics, but it's the only thing in my head at the moment. I think i'll read some more bio notes then make it a day. Next time i'll blog about something much more interesting. I've been thinking of ideas, but haven't put it to action just yet. How are you guys? (: | | |
| The lights flew past my eyes. The colors swirled into a dark blur threatening to consume me. I exhaled a sigh of relief when the car stopped. I turned, facing ahead, at my brothers. Their friendly chattering and deep laughing filled the air around me. Sitting criss-crossed on the leather seat, I leaned against the cool glass pondering how many moments I could have that made me feel so relaxed. Rap was blaring from the speakers of the car, the bass replaced my heartbeat, but continued to let my blood flow around my body. Would I remember this 10 years later? Oddly, although I was so close to home... I was nostalgic. Looking at time from that perspective made me feel like an alien. Perhaps not an alien, but somehow detached from feelings. I am tired of feeling things. These fickle emotions fleeting like the lights I gazed upon out the window, only a cool glass window separating our worlds. Sadly it's not a choice to feel sympathy or regret... it's something that I might not be able to stand but can't live without. I stared out the window once again, pursuing the impossible effort of keeping the lights always in my eyesight. I leaned my head on the cold glass, giving up. My eyes fell on my hands, one clutching a nail buffer. I raised my hands, chipped nailpolish decorated each fingernail. I wanted to crack off the rest of the nail polish. Instead of painting more nailpolish on, I wanted to polish it in its own natural glory. Precisely what I want to do with my life... start off fresh and paint a new world for myself full of natural beauty. I want to erase my past yet still retain the knowledge I have now. A headstart in a world that constantly beats you down... what wouldn't I give? Then reality hits and I continue with life just like before, trying to live as happily as before with a smile painted on my face. Laughing when I might not find it funny, keeping a happy demeanor even as my world contorts. Sometimes I feel as if I have multiple personalities disorder. My moods affect my being so severly that it feels as if I'm a different person altogether. Despite my perspective changing, the world stays the same, spinning like before... I focused again on the sounds my brothers were creating through their conversation, their energetic voices suddenly going into warm laughter. I smiled and gently closed my eyes, never wanting to leave. | | |
| I just realized that I know almost no one on my friends list on xanga.  Oh well, doesn't bother me. I also just came in touch with the xanga smilies! Sometimes I think of xanga as my double identity. I bet most people wouldn't have an idea that I would be a blogger, but oh ho ho did I show them up! I really despise the way that sometimes I can't find the words. Like today as I talked to my friend on the bus. I had so many ideas in my head.. things to say... but I couldn't formulate it in sentences whatsoever. I must've looked extremely retarded. I believe I tried to get some words out, reaching for the meaning, and falling way, way short of my goal. I ended up with a jumbled sentence that made absolutely no sense.  If this was a rare occasion it wouldn't bother me half as much.  So today at school, I indulged in playing piano again. During lunch breaks, I always find myself in the direction of the piano. When people ask me why, I wonder if I should tell them. It's because I really feel like playing, but also because I can't stand being in a crowd for a long time. Even if, I'm not an introvert, I just like the company of my piano more than most people. So yeah, to the mass of people who think I'm a cold person, if that makes me cold then so be it. It's always the people that don't know me very well that say that. The people who assume more than they should. If you call someone cold, who's the hypocrite? People always misinterpret my actions. I'm not completely talkative, but that's because I don't feel like talking. Also, if I don't like someone, there's a good reason... why not ask me before you call me a bitch? You don't know the first thing about me... so just shut your mouth or I promise you'll see what a real icestorm is. Also...for your information... being truthful doesn't always have to mean you're cold. Couldn't it be you care more for the truth than most people? Although obviously, just as always... it's only the person who doesn't say it that knows the flaws of saying it. Okay, I admit it... I am a little pissy at the moment. Let's move to a fluffy topic.  My friends always ask me what my type is. They're asking me about my preference about guys if you didn't understand. To be honest, I don't really know. I just want a guy who makes an effort to understand... and is capable of understanding. So... 1st requirement: a brain.  Other than that, I don't really know. I would rather have a guy that acts somewhat like me though. I wouldn't mind if he were like me and escaped the crowd of people more than occasionally. I would love if he could play the piano beautifully. Even more, I would love if he could study brilliantly and teach just as well. Free tutor sessions? Yes! Unfortunately, I doubt i'll find a guy like that any time soon. More unfortunate? Now is not a good time to date for me. Too much work, not enough downtime. How ironic, even though I'm saying there's no downtime.. I'm on the computer typing a post. Okay, ignore the irony... I'm going to study soon. I'll talk to you guys later. Btw about the piano thing... they haven't called yet. Bad sign? Maybe. | | |
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